Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
