you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
