Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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