Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
