Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
