OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
