PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
