My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
