Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
