im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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