He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
