This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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