I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
