i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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