I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
