woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
