somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
