You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
