fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
