apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
