But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
