Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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