the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
