Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The Olympian is in my bed
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
