Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
