woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
