So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am available for nakedness
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
