I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
