Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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