he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
