Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
