I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
