Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
