My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
