Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
