Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
