a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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