i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
