The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
