i think my mom watched the whole time
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
