At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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