he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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