I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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