i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
