That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
