He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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