the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
