I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
