well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
