I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
