Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
