You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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